18/30: Forgiveness

{If you missed the beginning of the 30 Day Challenge you can find it here}

Forgiveness can be the hardest thing we do in our lives.  Some people like to hold grudges for years and never seem to let go of the hatred holding them there.  I know a few people like that so I strive to always forgive (but never forget).  I believe that you should remember the hard times because if you don't, you won't remember how you got where you are today.  

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was forgive myself for fighting with my dad before he died.  Dad passed away on Friday, September 29th, 2006 and we fought the Sunday before (the 24th).  We were standing in the kitchen arguing about me getting a job.  I was lazy and would sleep in during the week instead of going out and looking for work since lifeguarding was over for the season.  Dad was not having my lazy attitude and he wasn't shy about telling me so either.  I don't ever remember my dad and I yelling at each other but we definitely did that day.  Then, later that night I went in my parents bedroom, laid my head on Dad's chest, and said I loved him before turning in.  

When he died that Friday I was so torn up by the way I had acted when I last saw him.  I blocked out the memory of interacting with him later that night because I was so upset by my actions.  It took a long time of my mom telling me what actually happened for it to sink in.  It took even longer for me to actually believe that Dad knew I loved him even thought I was mean to him that Sunday.  And it took a few years to realize that even though I had acted like a butt Dad had forgiven me right after it happened.  That's what unconditional love is.  No matter how ridiculous I acted or how much attitude I gave him he still loved me.  

I think I still carry a certain amount of guilt around with me and I'm not sure if it will ever go away.  There wasn't a day where I woke up and decided that I was over what had happened and decided not to carry the guilt with me anymore.  I think I just woke up and realized that I wasn't thinking about it as much.  And as the days passed by the feeling went away more and more.  

Sometimes, the guilt comes back when I'm really missing him.  Sometimes, I don't think about what happened at all.  It all depends on the day, how I'm feeling, and what I'm doing.  I always have to remember that I had a great childhood and a great Dad and that one day and one hour of bad behavior doesn't rewrite our entire relationship.  I have to forgive myself for what I did because if I never did, it would eat me alive.  And I know my dad wouldn't want that.